IRISH MUSINGS MY CULTURE 3
SESSION THREE — IMPERFECTION
This is a link to the ‘Principles’ tutorial video - ‘My Culture - Session 3 - Principles’
Alongside the Principes video, I have included the ‘Activation Narrative’ that is part of this session in the self-guided workbooks. The stories I tell aren’t comfortable, nor are they trauma porn. They are designed to elicit a specific response from the reader, tied to the topic our clients are working on in this session.
The Third Red Rule:
“Perfect isn’t possible if you also want to have trust.”
― Robert (Sherpa) Millar
“Can we just have the magic without the mayhem?” There was anguish in his voice, as well as frustration and a feeling of futility. I was his pastor, as well as his friend; he was an American I had gotten to know pretty well. He was a high-level executive in a Fortune 100 company. He had come to trust me, to see me as his mentor; he called me his rabbi, mainly as a joke, but also as a way to express the impact our relationship had on his life. But certain habits in my life were starting to wear thin. He was used to people acting in a certain way. It was seriously jeopardizing our relationship, and I knew that if I didn’t take action, it would negatively impact his trust in me. I also knew if that happened, I’d resent it and pull back, less willing to be open with him.
You might be wondering what habits irritated him so much. Well, you see, I tend to talk a lot and can be pretty intense. When I drop my guard and stop monitoring and managing how much I talk and how intensely others experience my energy, I will reliably end up talking too much and being too intense for some people. This tends to cause a conflict after it happens a few times.
You see, the problem is that the same people whom I trusted to be unguarded with, also have the benefit of time to get to know me and my story. They know I am a gifted wordsmith and trained to deal with intensely difficult situations like walking into a psych ward to visit a church member who is under a 72-hour enforced hospitalization order, or being the pastor at a deathbed, or helping to de-escalate a potentially dangerous situation. It doesn’t take long before people begin to hear the stories of terrorists, drug dealers, and the other apex predators I’ve spent a lifetime talking to and earning their trust. How could someone with this background not be able to follow the basic rule of thumb that if there are two people in a conversation, they should talk less than 50% of the time?
When I was young, I was beaten and threatened with physical harm on almost a daily basis for talking too much or being too much for the adults and older kids in my world. As I got older, I have literally talked myself into life-threatening experiences in places that are even more dangerous than where I grew up. No amount of effort or negative consequence has fixed the problem, because these are biographical imperfections. If I drop my guard around you, then you will experience who I am, and I am imperfect. What has always bemused me when other people are berating me for my biographical imperfections is their utter lack of awareness that they, too, are imperfect when unguarded. Every top leader I have met knows perfection isn’t possible.
In the next post, we'll explore the first vehicle you'll learn to drive—Delight—and how it allows you to travel between Recognition and Creativity without losing your home.
— Robert (Sherpa) Millar