IRISH MUSINGS - MY CULTURE 1
SESSION ONE — THE PARADOX OF PERFORMER AND PERSON
This is a link to the ‘Principles’ tutorial video - ‘My Culture - Session 1 - Principles’
Alongside the Principes video, I have included the ‘Activation Narrative’ that is part of this session in the self-guided workbooks. The stories I tell aren’t comfortable, nor are they trauma porn. They are designed to elicit a specific response from the reader, tied to the topic our clients are working on in this session.
The First Red Rule:
“In my experience, you cannot cohabit both places. You either live for connection or you're living for success — and most conflicts come from not knowing which world the other person inhabits.
― Robert (Sherpa) Millar
Bill gestured for me to follow him out of the room. He didn’t look happy with me. Bill was a retired cop from New York City who was now a senior V.P. in the mission organization where I worked. We had been in a workshop with a couple of hundred other staff when he pulled me out of the meeting. He sat me down on the stairs outside the conference room, out of sight of everyone, and began to explain how my attitude, actions, and words during the conversation were perceived as offensive and intimidating to many of the other staff members. I was both shocked and offended! I respected Bill for the way he carried himself, the choices he made, and the successes he had achieved. So, having him drop the hammer out of the blue was a shock. I looked at him and passionately defended myself by saying, “I am a pacifist, I am the gentlest person I know!” Bill laughed in my face, then slapped me on the back, and said, “You almost intimidate me when you explain how gentle you are!” I was crushed, he was serious, and I was frustrated. Honestly, my usual reaction was to shrug and think, “Poor little snowflakes were getting their feelings hurt, how’s that my fault?”
Just for the sake of my ego, let me insert a wee disclaimer at this point. At 35, I had over a decade of leadership experience and successes on two continents under my belt, and had been regarded as a spiritual leader and teacher for years. In short, I was very proud of my humility. But Bill was no snowflake; he’d grown up on the streets of New York, had escaped the gravitational pull of systemic poverty and violence, become a police officer, then a minister, and now helped lead a global mission organization. Bill was one of my inspirations. He had worked hard, he never gave up, and he didn’t whine about life being unfair. He just got up and made it work. Now here he was, telling me to dial it back and make the effort to understand where the bulk of the room was coming from.
Bill inhabited the intrinsic world of connection and safety. I inhabited the extrinsic world of evaluation and competition. When I evaluated ideas harshly, Bill perceived it as an attack on our connection. I had no idea I was crossing a red line into his world. It took years of effort, but I learned to travel to that intrinsic world and both locate and relate to the mindset of that place. If my description of snowflakes offended you, please be aware that I was describing an event that occurred almost twenty years ago. That experience helped me create this program.
Every conflict is a collision between two incompatible worlds: the world of doing (Extrinsic) and the world of being (Intrinsic). You inhabit one. The other doesn't make sense to you.
In the next post, we'll explore the first vehicle you'll learn to drive—Vulnerability—and how it allows you to travel between Isolation and Connection without losing your home.
— Robert (Sherpa) Millar